Spiral Soliloquy
by EK
Summary: The song of a leader, fallen from grace. Minor spoiler, 7 years later section


Hello

Hello. My name is EK, I am a regular in the RK and S7 sections, and a visitor in the GB section. I just recently finished this show in a grand marathon, and I couldn't get it out of my head. This story is mild spoiler for the 7-years-later section (ep 22).

Dedicated to cal-reflector, who was nice and showed me a story ending, and did not insist on John and Yoko…I mean Simon and Yoko. My thanks to Random Curiosity for keeping their summaries. This was harder than I initially thought, but I'm glad it's done.

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What have I done? What have I done what have I done what have I done?

I was this close to executing the savior of the world. If the anti-Spiral attack had come on schedule, I probably would have executed him, too. What have I done?

Was I not grateful that he got me out of that dark life? Was I not grateful that he let me pilot the Gurren in place of Kamina? Was I not grateful that he made it possible for us to have a city at all?

I am. And more. That is why I can't forgive myself.

I was as scared as everyone else. But I am the actual leader of the city, and the leader must not show weakness in front of his people.

I should have supported him, told the people that Simon probably knew what he was doing. I should have backed him in his decisions, in his sudden unexpected battle. I arrested him and put him up in an unfair trial, instead. Yes, I knew it was an unfair trial. But it was the surest way I knew of getting the problem fixed, the best way I could think of to tame the people, the quickest way to regain control. It was also the fastest way to betray him.

I did everything I could to control the situation. I arranged for shelters, planned for underground evacuation areas, even started operating the Arc-Gurren as a final evacuation plan. I planned for a situation where no one would save us except ourselves…except me. I completely forgot about what Simon could do.

Then the anti-Spiral invasion came much earlier than our predictions, and I had to step up our plans. I did not want to leave so many people behind, I did not, I absolutely did not. But I had no choice. At least the few we had inside the ship could survive and create a new generation. But the enemy threatened the ship as well, besides all the people that remained on the ground.

When all the options were gone, when I felt myself blanking out in despair and panic….he suddenly came. Out of nowhere, in a quick blast of light, he came and blocked the enemy and saved us, saving the rest of the planet in the process.

Everyone around me cheered and embraced as they relished the victory.

I could not join them. Their victory is my defeat.

All the people needed was Simon. They did not need me. They did not need me at all. And I had very nearly executed the man they needed most.

I had gone against my superior. I had charged my superior with crimes he did not commit. I had betrayed him.

The penalty for insubordination and treason is death.

Because no one will dare do it for me, to me…I have to do it myself.

I finished all the work that remained to be done, and work that Simon had me do after the successful attack. I did them all, as they all wanted, in a haze. I was more aware of the sacred book from our village that I could not even read, the pistol I had brought out, and the bullets I will place inside it.

I wrote a short note to Kinon. I had appreciated her unwavering support for me, when everyone else had shouted at me or held me by the collar. But I did not deserve any more of it.

I took a trip back home…the small, dark home I was born in and grew up in. It was appropriate to end my life there, too. I carried only two things: the book and the loaded pistol.

The village was deserted now. The old villagers went to the surface along with the people from many other underground villages. The old priest was there, though, and so was our god, one of the ancient Gunmen that never surfaced. I remembered that it was Simon, Kamina, and Yoko that made me question beliefs and believe in impossibility. Simon, who I had failed more than once.

I made peace with my village elder. He welcomed me warmly, and chatted with me about the old and the new. I returned the book he gave me. I did not need it anymore.

I then asked permission to walk to the old assembly hall, alone. It was time to make peace with myself.

I walked through the darkened halls, sure with what I was done, certain that I was doing what was deserved and expected. I lowered my head and took out the pistol. I looked at it for a while, small and gold-lined, but I could not see much of it in the darkness, so I just felt its lightness, its certain weight.

I heard Kinon's screams in my head. But she is too far away now to change my mind.

I raised the pistol to my head. There were three bullets in it. If the first did not do the job, the next two will.

I am grateful for what he had shown me, that he had shown me what was possible. But I did not deserve to see more.

Then he punched me.

I don't know how. But he did. At the exact moment. Like he always does.

Simon was suddenly there, standing above me, the fist still clenched beside him, breathing heavily at the effort. I was on the floor, the gun several meters away now, looking at him in a daze.

He spoke words that just barely made it past the stars his punch created, and the haze I had induced on myself. Sometimes someone just had to punch sense into someone else. A person did not have to punish himself. He said he needed me, he still needed me. There were things I could do that he never could.

But…but…I had threatened to kill him! Why did he not take the gun, then, and killed me with it? I deserved it, more than deserved it.

He held out a hand, instead, and pulled me up. He told me to come back to the city with him. He even came with Kinon, who wrapped her arms around me and cried her eyes out, fogged glasses notwithstanding.

Why? Why me?

I sat at the cockpit of the Gurren and mindlessly sat and stabilized the machine, Kinon on my lap and I staring out blankly through the monitors, looking at the world at our feet. I needed her weight on my lap, the sensation of another person sinking into my conscious and subconscious. The feeling that someone did need me. Not in the vague way the assembled citizenry thinks it needed me.

Kinon needed me. Simon needed me.

I was still somewhat hazy when we returned to our base, while Leeron and Lord Genome and the others discussed the massive final attack against the anti-Spirals. If Kinon did not stand beside me, I would not have been sure it was real. They planned to go into hyperspace and cross dimensions. And no one had any intention to stay behind and take care of the populace that will remain.

Except me? But can I do this? Can I really do this? Without Simon sitting on that chair in the office, reminding me that past all the mountains of paperwork and dark computer rooms, everything will ultimately be fine with the world?

She squeezed my hand and smiled at me.

Only on that, I spoke up and said that they could leave the city, and pretty much the entire planet, to me. I did not know what I was talking about. I was just going on the old mantra now: I am part of the Gurren-tai, and the Gurren-tai did the impossible. I barely believed it.

The meeting was dismissed, and I walked back to the quarters I was certain I would never see again in this life. She tailed behind me. I sunk down onto the sofa. She sat down beside me.

My head was still reeling. My brain was still intact. I had planned for it to be scattered on a cave floor. Instead, the leader had given me the task of ruling a world without his support. The leader I had planned to execute. Can I do this? Can I get beyond what I had failed at, and do this?

But she took up the hand on my lap, and placed her hand over it. Yes, you can. Remember what Kamina used to say to Simon all the time, she said. The words Simon also said to you.

Believe in the me who believes in you. Believe in yourself, who I believe in.

…………………………

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Thank you for reading. I hope to see you around sometime.


End file.
